Consensus Building, Chicago Style

Imagine our president doing what he does best, back in his hometown during the last Depression, eighty years ago. A community activist and consensus builder at heart, our man Barack is trying to bring together two of Chicago's most powerful and opposing parties: Al Capone, and Elliot Ness. Al, of course, represents a local ethnic community as well as important Chicago business interests. Mr. Ness, an outsider and worse, a government official from, even worse--Washington, D.C.--is getting the worst of things, in terms of local politics and economic issues. Hence our man Barack's skills are brought to bear.

Obama: Mr. Ness, meet Mr. Capone.

Capone: Nice ta meetcha.

Ness: Are you kidding me?

Obama: So, Mr. Ness, I understand you have some concerns about Mr. Capone's business activities in our fair city?

Ness: Not really. I just wanna bust his ass and get out of this dump.

Capone: Hey, watch yer mouth, fuzz face or I'll teach ya to exit via dat window over dere.

Ness: You see what I mean. I'm dealing with a criminal element here, and you're just trying to make nice. What's with that?

Obama: Please, Mr. Ness, we really have to learn to get along here. Mr. Capone has very legitimate concerns about how his people are being treated by you outsiders, and he simply wants some respect.

Ness (rising): I'll show him some respect, soon as he's behind bars.

Capone: Yeah, just try it fuzz face and I'll blow your ugly puss here to Peoria.

Ness (to Obama): You see what I'm dealing with here? This man heads a violent organization producing and marketing illegal drugs and operates extortion rackets all over the country. And you want me to make nice?

Obama: well, I do think you're exaggerating, somewhat. For example, Mr. Capone has assured me that his organization, M.A.F.I.A. is a legitimate lobbying firm, simply seeking to promote firearms safety for all Americans.

Capone: Dat's right. M.A.F.I.A. stands for Making Automatic Firearms Indespensable in America. We got friends in high places, pal.

Obama: Yes, and that said, I think we really need to relate on equal terms here, as fellow Americans. That's why I've ordered some bootleg--I mean, beer, so we can have an amicable Beer Summit, to discuss these and other important issues for our fair city.

Ness: Is he serious? You expect me to talk to this thug as an equal? I'm not some local gangster, pal. I'm from the government!

Obama: Now, now, sir, there's no need to swear.