A Letter to God

Dear God (or Allah)

Since I think nobody reads these posts except you and me anyway, I hope you don't mind a bit of frank discussion here, and I do have a few questions. First off, are you two the same Deity, or like, brothers or something? Possibly even twins? I ask, because both your (God's) Son's followers and those of your (Allah's) Prophet Mohammed all insist there is only one God, so which one of you would that be, or are you maybe Siamese Twins? That could explain a lot. I'm also wondering about Jehovah. Where did he go? Is he maybe way over in the far side of the Universe busy making new galaxies and stuff? That is a long trip, which may be why we haven't heard from him for a while. (If you hear from Him, tell Him I do love those Hubble pictures, by the way.) Was that your idea? And speaking of Jehovah, is He your Father, by any chance? That would make sense. Like Jupiter and Apollo and stuff. I think he is older than you two, according to your Old Testament.

Also, I'm wondering about Gaia? Is she, like, your Mom or something? Forgive my ignorance, there are so many confusing and mixed messages out there. But a lot of people think she is the Earth Mother. Does that make her like, a Goddess, or is she someone else? For all I know, she was Jehovah's wife. Or even his daughter, and your Sister. That would make sense. Maybe there's a bunch of you, like all those Greek gods. Were they real? I think Greece is kind of a mess now, with their economy and all, and the way Democracy has turned out. Maybe it's their fault. Even Gods shouldn't get too greedy, do you think so?

But getting back to what I wanted to chat about, is all this confusion. Wars between religions, and even between Christian religions, and Christians carrying weapons when Jesus said "love thy neighbor" and stuff. Everybody is so right and righteous these days, with no tolerance whatsoever for any thinking other than their own, if you can call it that. Was this all part of your Plan? And if so, what for?

And Allah, a quick question for you, if you don't mind. I'm assuming those "Black Widow" suicide bombers are in your care now, and have received those promised 64 virgins as their alloted stipend that all suicide bombers get. At least according to your Madrassases and mullahs, anyway. But those guys are your teachers and spokesmen and religious leaders, and they were the ones who inspired all those suicide bombers in the first place, right? But did you really tell them to do that, or was that their own idea? Also, I'm a bit puzzled as to what female suicide bombers would want with 64 virgins, anyway. Are they gay or something? Even so, I don't think even gay women care that much about virgins. And where do all those virgins come from, anyway? Is there a virgin farm or something, maybe in East Dagestan? Just asking. Because those Moscow bombers only killed 38 people, and I'm sure many of them weren't even virgins, so where will they get their fair share up there in Heaven, assuming they want them? Even we Americans can only bomb so many villages, and a lot of them don't even have many virgins any more. Also, since young girls aren't allowed to congregate together in Your societies, like in classrooms or soccer stadiums and such, it must be really hard getting enough virgins lined up to reward all your suicide bombers with, female or otherwise.

Also, it seems to me those virgins can't be too happy about this arrangement. Or do their opinions matter? Maybe not. They don't in your countries either, God, so I gather. Or women either, other than your Virgin Mary. And I don't get it about her either. If she was Jesus's mother and you were his Father, how did--never mind, I'm in enough trouble already. But I do think women are getting the shaft here, if I may say so, so to speak. What's up with that? I mean, as a rule they are way more peaceable and nicer, and take way better care of your planet and its creatures than us males. Does Gaia know about this, or are you and her not speaking? If I were her I'd be pretty mad, myself. Do you think she's trying to tell us something, or even Mother Nature, what with all those recent earthquakes and melting glaciers? Or did you do that, and if so, why? To get more virgins shipped up to heaven? And why pick on Haiti? They had enough trouble already, and hardly any virgins to begin with. I'm really confused.

Maybe I'd better wait for Enlightenment. Or that Rapture thing. When is that, by the way? And will Glenn Beck be joining them, by any chance? I hope so.

I have several more questions, but I'll save them for next time.

Your faithful servant,
Me